Next up on the reviews is Ratty Cole. As always, click the link below to check it out as it does contain plot spoilers. Might I also recommend queueing up a bit of Queen on your mp3 player as background.
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Orlok’s Crusade Review pt 1
I was initially going to start this review by referencing the one I did of this trade a few weeks back… but checking the archives I have a horrible feeling I never actually posted the thing.
I’ll check again and if not I’ll post up a counter review to this one as I actually kinda enjoyed it… which may tell you where this review is gonna go. To be fair it is a 2000AD fan reviewing Mark Millar’s Dredd which is like going to a Metallica gig and asking what people think of Jedward.
Anyway, brace yourselves. I’m handing you over to Orlok :
Crusade: Trade Paperback by Mark Millar, Grant Morrison and Mick Austin (also features Frankenstein Division by some Carlos bloke)
Ok, let’s get this across from the start, I don’t like Mark Millar’s work.
“Big shock”, I hear you cry.
Though some of his later stuff has been great (Old Man Logan, Kick Ass), for me the catalogue is forever marred by the shitpiles he produced for 2000ad and foremost among these is the Dredd stuff. I figured he must have really hated the character to write it the way he did. Either that or he really did write like a 12 year old with ADHD in the early days. Whatever the reason, this is a taint on his character that I will find hard to get past.
That said I tried to approach this in a fair way and assess each story like any other Dredd tale.
Was it faithful to the character? Did it have a flowing style of narrative? Did it have any plot holes you could drive a tank through? Did it actually make sense? Did it step out of established boundaries? Was the art any good?
I tried. Believe me, how I tried.
I’m going to do a blow by blow of where these stories strayed from the path. My therapist said it might help with the nightmares.
Part One- Crusade
Welcome to one of the worst Dredd stories ever written and published in the pages of 2000AD. I’m not entirely sure what Morrison’s contribution was, but the inner dialogue of Eckhart that appears in one section seems very Morrison like. He probably acted as a sounding board for Millar on some of the weirder script changes. 9 years the senior to Millar (who was 26 when this was published) he had some good stuff under his belt so not sure why he is credited.
The art by Mick Austin is not that great and I even found it confusing in one or two areas. Though I have never taken to the scratchy and simplistic style of his work I have tried my best to appreciate it but I just cannot find anything to like. He was always a poor man’s Kev Hopgood for me. There is nothing too bad about it, but nothing special either. He can frame well and has a good sense of proportion but the whole thing lacks imagination for me. In some of the panels the colouring is utterly bland and seems ‘off” which makes me like it even less.
The premise of the story is simple, a returning Mega City 1 spacecraft with a precious cargo crashes in the Antarctic and everyone wants a piece of it. It could be like Ice Station Zebra with Judges.
An easy enough story to pull off you might think.
You would be wrong and despite this simple premise, the story is a clusterfuck from start to finish. The McGuffin of the piece (Eckhart) is never again referenced after this story ends. A small mercy.
First off we have Eckhart’s ship communicating with the entire plant 40 mins before it is due to crash into the Antarctic. Apparently nobody can get to the ship in time and it is allowed to approach Earth without interception.
The Big Meggers have a shitload of kit up there capable of intercept but that doesn’t happen as the story would be really short. OK, for the sake of leniency, we’ll allow this.
We then get an introduction to Vatican City Inquisitor Cesare who it turns out is the best the Vatican’s Grand Hall of Justice (The Fuck???) has to offer. He is also apparently a psycho who enjoys inflicting pain on others.
As a lapsed Catholic I honestly don’t care too much about the religion being slated but I can see that some Catholics may find this a bit insulting that that God’s emissary on Earth is ordering a psycho with a gun to do his killing for him. Even Dan Brown steered clear of that one and threw in this Opus Dei horseshit so as not to have 1.5 registered Catholics on his ass.
Cesare finds time to show the readers his psycho badass credentials by executing the Gallagher brothers for heresy before “taking his time” with a hot babe (which is a tragic waste as she is pretty foxy).
In Millarworld, guns are penises. Those with the biggest are looked upon as great and if you have a tiny gun, you are nothing. In keeping with this, Cesare has a very scary and spiky “gun” that he uses on the girl to “extract a confession”. Yeah, Millar obviously has no issues here whatsoever.
Actually considering the thing is covered in spikes Cesare must have to carry it all of the time as there is no way this is going into a holster without severing an artery.
Nevertheless there is time for the Millar standard macho pose and prose as Cesare stands firm with his “gun” in hand saying “I’ll send Dredd to hell”
I’m reading “anal rampage” into this and that sound you hear is Millar fapping at the keyboard.
In the icy wilderness of the Antarctic, the ship crashes right next to a mining colony called Ultima Thule due to an extraordinary stroke of luck. The stage is now set for an exciting game of hide and seek.
The Antarctic is apparently neutral territory and someone really ought to tell the Antarctic Judges this as they seem to think the mere fact that they have a city there gives them carte blanche. Still as they don’t show up for the recovery we can assume they are all away on a team building exercise in Fiji.
No mention is made of who the mining facility belongs to either. I mean, even if it is neutral territory, someone still owns and operates it, don’t they?
Dredd’s pilot (Larson) makes the brilliant observation that there isn’t a bleaker spot to come down other than right next door to the station. Really? How about in the a thousand miles further into the Antarctic? Wouldn’t that class as bleaker, Larson?
Millar’s characterisation of Dredd is again way off as he is a prize prick to Judge Pilot Larson, for no reason.
Ok, maybe Larson flies like a maniac, or ate all the in-flight peanuts, or maybe he tried to come on to Dredd in the toilets on the trip over. What I am saying is that without knowing why Dredd is behaving this way he is just going to come across as a surly twat.
Despite the obvious importance, all of the major cities have agreed to send in one representative instead of a team of recovery experts. Millar has each Judge just standing in the cold Antarctic air waiting for everyone to show up and get introduced before splitting up and setting off. I can’t tell if this is the worst writing I have ever seen or an attempt by Millar to recreate his own version of Wacky Races.
This intro is indescribably awful and is filled with some pretty bad stereotypes (the sneaky Russian, the honourable Japanese, the alcoholic Aussie, etc) that I know Wagner has been guilty of too from time to time. But really…
What follows is a series of showdowns between the various Judges where Millar goes on to commit a number of mistakes and contrivances, some rudimentary and some truly horrific.
1. All of the major cities are apparently involved in the recovery but there is no sign of Euro Cit, Pan Andes, Banana City, Sino Cit or Texas City and yet the laughable Emerald Isle and Vatican are there. Really?
2. The Brit Cit Judge states that Brit Judges are unarmed. Not true. Only Detective Judges are unarmed.
3. The Judges all mount up on bikes to start the search but are then all on foot once inside the complex even though they can cover more distance with the bikes. Everyone that is apart from Rameses who needs his bike to conveniently lose it to Dredd later on.
4. Kilroy becomes Killroy.
5. Wurra becomes Wurrawa.
6. The 10 mile wide complex is apparently automated, yet has a functioning tube network (that can apparently be taken out with one bomb). Who uses this network if the station is automated?
7. Kilroy is seen sabotaging this rail network to stop others using it, yet the bomb merely puts a small hole in the pipe that is only large enough for her to be dropped through by Spassky. The tube train then runs her over and passes by unimpeded. So the point of all that was?
8. The Judges are able to talk to their respective Controls despite the range. Ok, they may be boosted by the presence of nearby craft but that doesn’t explain how Brit Cit Control appear to be able to know what Kilroy is doing when they interrupt her (she then has to explain her sabotage plan).
9. Rameses spots Dredd in the tube train, then gets off his bike and sabotages the tube. Dredd sees him do this and shouts abuse at Rameses. Think about this. Unless this train is moving at 2kph, this is fucking impossible. Anything quicker than this and the tube will have passed before Rameses thought of even getting off the bike.
10. Spassky corners Dredd over a pit with a retractable bridge. After she withdraws the bridge Dredd is left dangling but to his right is a small fire axe in a glass case. First, let’s ask how pointless this axe would be in a fire here as an axe is only useful for chopping through doors to escape so in a metal door complex it would be as useless as one made of treacle. Second, if you ever needed it you would have to be dangling by your fingers from the bridge to reach it.
Millarlogic, I guess.
11. After Spassky has her arm chopped off she seals the stump with an iron bar that just happens to be in a brazier nearby. Why is this here? Who left it smoking away?
12. Dredd drops 60 feet right onto Rameses, who is just driving past at the time, and is unscathed. Ok, I’ll grant this as Dredd is nails but landing right on a soft target just as Rameses is under him?
13. It is explained that Eckhart has become Kali, the final incarnation of Vishnu. If I remember my rudimentary RE studies correctly, the final incarnation of Vishnu is actually Kalki and Kali is something very different.
14. Judge Daktari has hitherto unknown Predator claws as part of his uniform and Hondo Judges now appear to carry katanas instead of Tendo sticks.
15. None of the Judges apart from Cesare seem to want to use a gun on their opponents.
16. Daktari is sliced to ribbons and yet the bits of him that are free of any support (arms, hands) manage to stay on for ages until he comes apart. These would drop straight off.
17. Spassky and Dredd have a punch up in an ore gulley until Cesare manually activates the ore buckets. How long have these buckets of molten ore been sitting there above their heads?
18. What kind of a mining station is this anyway?
19. Dredd is confronted by Cesare who is at point blank range. Dredd fires a Hotshot round at him. Why?
20. Cesare throws what looks like a malfunctioning lightsaber into Dredd’s shoulder pad that does no real damage. No explanation is given as to what this is but only that it is a contrivance for Dredd to activate it (apparently properly) later on against Eckhart.
21. For some unearthly reason there is a random chute in the floor that Cesare and Dredd fall through onto a waiting mine cart. This panel and the next are very confusing and seem to be placed out of order.
22. In an astonishing cliché, the track is broken. If this facility is automated surely this would have been noticed due to ore shipments not actually showing up. Or maybe Millar had been watching Temple of Doom that week.
23. Cesare is hit in the back by a huge hook (twice) during his fight with Dredd. Once would be permitted but twice is just unimaginative laziness on the part of the script.
Despite a nice bit of sideboob on the Hondo Judge, this whole thing is a travesty.
Anyone who tells you this story is “fun” or “a laugh” probably thinks Jar Jar Binks is hilarious and gets pleasure out of bumming cats. Or is Scojo.
Mark Millar Checklist for Crusade
Does Dredd use the words “punk” or “meathead” a lot? Yep.
Does it feature a one on one homo-erotic fist session between Dredd and his muscular nemesis? Oh yes. Cesare is even “penetrated” at the end.
Is one of them stripped to the waist? Mercifully not.
Does Dredd act out of character or is a surly bellend? Hell, yes.
Does Millar show a blatant disregard for established Dredd continuity and/or the readership? Fuck yeah.
Four out of five affirmatives.
Conclusion? Mark Millar is a talentless cock and Grant Morrison should appeal to have his name removed from the credits.
Next… the gloves come off for Frankenstein Division
A 2000AD Birthday message from Simon Pegg… and JUDGE DREDD
This as originally posted on the 2000AD website HERE …like I have to tell anyone who reads this where the 2000AD website is.
Anyway…. is this our first look… well, listen at Karl Urban as Judge Dredd? You gotta imagine he’s doing his Dredd voice for the video. Either way, ALL KINDS OF NERD COOL!!
And a big nod to 2000AD PR Droid Molch-R who I’m pretty sure was the instigator of this vid. There’ll be no talking to him after this 
Judge Dredd in Church of the Poison Mind
Feel I should write a few words by way of explanation….
Latest comp over on the 2000AD boards asked for collaborations between people who enter the art comps and people who enter the writing comps. I thought it might be fun to grab Conor Boyle with whom I did the two Dark Judgement books and see if he was up for swapping roles.
So… he wrote this one and I drew it. And as you can see the only thing worse than my art is my lettering.
Anyway, hope you enjoy it. It’s a free Judge Dredd comic, what do you expect? And yeah, I did rein in the scope of some of the panel descriptions as I had no idea how to draw them 
This site automatically resizes pics so please click each one to read if the text is too small
and yeah, the script kind of implies the two bad guys live at the end. Um….. future medicine! Very good you know. Fixes anything -cough-
Prog 1770 Review #2
Next up is M.Allen with his take on prog 1770.
As always its hidden so as not to give spoilers for anyone waiting on the digital copies so click the link below to check it out.
2000AD Celebrates 35 Zarjaz Years
In 1977, something amazing happened. All across the land the first issue of 2000 AD, dated 26th February, arrived in newsagents. And your world has never been the same since.
Thirty-five years on and The Galaxy’s Greatest Comic is still going strong, still packed with top-notch Thrills by some of the world’s greatest comic book artists and writers, and still bringing intense weekly bursts of Thrill-power to the starving masses.
To celebrate this milestone, this Wednesday sees the anniversary edition, Prog 1771, hits newsstands in the UK (7th March in North America) with the choice of two amazing variant covers – one by Chris Weston (The Filth, The Twelve), riffing on a classic image by Brian Bolland and showing some of the classic characters of the past 15 years. The second cover by 2000 AD legend Mick McMahon shows the alien editor, Tharg the Mighty, surrounded by his loyal editorial droids!
This week will also see 2000adonline.com give away some exclusive prizes to Squaxx Dek Thargo everywhere, including:
• copies of Kingdom: The Promised Land signed by New York Times bestselling writer Dan Abnett
• copies of dinosaurs-farmed-by-cowboys-from-the-future classic Flesh: The Dino Files signed by 2000 AD’s creator and first editor, Pat Mills
• copies of the hilarious mobster comedy Al’s Baby signed by Judge Dredd creators John Wagner and Carlos Ezquerra
Thanks to Planet Replicas, we’ll also be giving one lucky Earthlet the chance to get a custom made Judge badge – featuring their own surname! These high-quality fully licensed badges are a must for budding agents of the law, and the winner will get one embossed with their own name.
And as we head toward 2000 AD’s official birthday, we have the pièce de résistance – an exclusive Mongrol figure from Ashley Woods’ threeA Toys. That’s right, we’re GIVING AWAY one of the most hotly desired piece of 2000 AD merchandise in recent years. Standing over 11-inches high and over 13-inches wide, this fully articulated 1:6 scale figure has been drooled over by fans since its release last year and you’ll get the chance to try and win this stunning figure!
Keep your glues glued to 2000adonline.com, as well as our official Twitter and Facebook feeds, as we gear up to mark 35 years of Thrill-powered awesomeness!
Happy birthday, 2000 AD – it’s going to be a zarjaz week!
